3 – The Next Doctor?

“…the time and the space…” the gentleman said wistfully as he spoke about his version of the TARDIS, a simple hot air balloon.

“The perfect escape,” the Doctor said sadly, “Do you ever wonder what you’re escaping from?”

“With every moment,” he responded.

“Then do you want me to tell you?” the Doctor asked, “’Cause I think I worked it out now…How you became the Doctor.  What do you think?  Do you want to know?”

When he told Jackson who he was, he denied it.  He believed Jackson Lake was dead.

“What you suffered us called a fugue…a fugue state…where the mind just runs away because it can’t bear to look back.  You wanted to become something else, because Jackson Lake had lost so much…”

It hurt him to have to tell Jackson those things, but it also made him feel better that he wasn’t going to lose his memories.

When the CyberKing erupted from the Thames and all hell broke loose in London (again), he sent Jackson and his son away.

“Just head south!  Take him south!  Go to the parkland!”

“But where are you going?” Jackson had asked, gently cradling his son against him.

“To stop that thing!”

“But I should be with you!” Jackson protested.

“Jackson, you’ve got your son.  You’ve got a reason to live!”

“And you haven’t?” Jackson asked seriously.

The Doctor looked at him sadly.  No, he really didn’t have a reason to live.  But he had so many reasons to die trying to save this world.  When he didn’t really respond, Jackson sighed.

“God save you, Doctor.”

The Doctor actually felt like crying at the sadness in Jackson’s voice.  He turned and ran toward Jackson’s TARDIS.  Angrily brushing a tear from his cheek, he found Jed in the barn and had to pay the lad to help him.

He grinned cheekily as the CyberKing disappeared into the Void.  The silence that suddenly surrounded him was peaceful, but it only invited his thoughts of what could have been.  It had been a close call…well, not really a close call.  But it had given him an insight that he had not expected.  At first, he had thought that Jackson was his next regeneration.  The idea of losing his memories, losing himself had frightened him more than a bit.  But the idea of losing his memories of those he loved and lost had a twisted appeal.

“I can make that happen, if you wish,” Metatron said out of nowhere.

“Wot?”

“If you want me to block the memories of those you lost, I can do that.  I can only do it once without severe damage, but I can do that once we have melded.”

While it appealed deep down into his core, he knew that each and every one of his lost companions, especially Rose…especially Donna, were the reason he was who he had become.  He had once been severe, angry, and dark.  Without his companions, especially without Rose, he could become that again…or worse.  He wasn’t ready to lose that part of himself, the part that was most human.  He had worked too hard to become the creature he was, to rid himself of his terrible past.

Before he could honestly respond, the Doctor heard the cheers and applause below him.  He looked down and saw Jackson and the people of London looking up at him and clapping and yelling…for him…thanking him. 

“Well,” he said out loud, “that’s a first!” 

He turned his thoughts back to Metatron, “I’m sorry, Metatron, but I’m just not ready.  I don’t know that I will ever be ready.”

“You shall be, eventually, Doctor,” the Archangel said softly, his invisible wings wrapping gently around the Doctor’s shoulders, “You will be sooner than you know.”

The Doctor shivered at the tender touch and set to finding a way to land Jackson’s balloon.

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